Articles
I'll be posting articles to this page on a regular basis. Keep checking for the latest additions.
Apart from the out and out individualists among us it takes courage and energy to strike out and do things differently from our crowd - neighbours, family, colleagues. All the more so if they tease, criticise or guilt trip us. It's even tougher to hold on to our intentions when we're vulnerable because of grief or the shock of a major change.
Sometimes offers of support can make it difficult.
People may want to help and we feel bad turning down their offers so we go along with their plans when we know it's not what we need, accepting invitations when we need solitude, taking a holiday when we'd prefer the familiarity of our own surroundings.
Recognise this?
Find the energy to insist that they give you the help you need rather than the help they believe you need. Direct the spotlight onto your own responses. How authentic is your insistence on 'doing your own thing'? If you say 'Leave me alone' and folk do exactly that, be sure it's what you really really want. If you're hoping to be coaxed then be aware. Your supporters may rise to the bait and coax you, and you'll succeed in getting the attention you secretly or subconsciously wish, but a day may come when the rescuers get fed up and take you at your word. It's too late to say 'I didn't mean it'.
Say what you mean and mean what you say
'Doing it my way' may also be a defence. Afraid to show emotion or admit to vulnerability, we refuse support or advice not because we're playing the 'coax me' game but to keep others at a distance. As a friend of mine used to say,'defences are for defending' and if that's the sort of protection we need, fair enough. Changing deep-rooted habits is hard anyway and doubly hard if we're facing a major life event. It's unrealistic to expect that we'll develop new depths of emotional sophistication when all hell's breaking loose around us. You can shed some of your defences when the coast is clear and you're feeling strong enough. Sometimes though, major events have major consequences - the breakdown which allows us to break through to new perspectives, the accident or illness which reorientates our values. Men in particular can experience this when the customary emotional reserve expected of them is completely overwhelmed by events. They emerge from their protective shell to a new world, first graders in the feelings class. If they have the courage to stay out there rather than retreat like a hermit crab, the rewards are vast. But nobody else can tell you when you're ready to face the world as who you really are. It has to be 'my way'.
Back |
